


Hindsight

by ralf



Series: ralf works through her 2B feelings [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29404389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: They haven't talked about it.Well. Apart from their conversation behind the Hunter's Moon, but that one hardly counts. They'd covered the bare essentials of their feelings then. But they never talked about their thoughts.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: ralf works through her 2B feelings [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159574
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> why is the timeline of this show so _ridiculous_ aahhh hahahaha

It's been two days. Two mostly quiet days, hesitant but soft, slowly knitting back together what had been torn, relearning what had been natural a week ago. What had seemed irrevocably lost not five days ago.

Despite their tender smiles and sincere touches there is a shadow of emotion that never quite leaves Magnus's eyes, tension lingering under the surface of his ease. Alec himself feels unsteady, as if the ground could shift beneath his feet at any given moment.

They haven't talked about it.

Well. Apart from their conversation behind the Hunter's Moon, but that one hardly counts. They'd covered the bare essentials of their feelings then. But they never talked about their thoughts. He still doesn't know what Magnus was thinking, about his own choices and about Alec's, and he doesn't believe Magnus knows all the thoughts he put into his own actions.

It sits in Alec's stomach uncomfortably, a coil of razor wire ready to unravel and tear them apart again. There's still so much left to explain, to understand. There's his apology that feels like a lie. There's the fact that Magnus barely acknowledged it. There's the look of betrayal in Magnus's eyes when he learned that Alec knew about the Soul Sword and didn't tell him, there's the memory of harshness in every line of his face when they saw each other again at the Downworlder cabinet meeting that Alec can't shake no matter how many times he drinks in the gentle curve of Magnus's lips now.

For all their honesty back when they reconciled there's still so much left unsaid. When they first kissed Alec thought things would go back to the way they used to be but they haven't. The surety between them has been replaced by uncertainty. The veil of not knowing is stifling, like a silken shawl drawing tighter and tighter around Alec's throat and he can't take it anymore.

“Magnus,” he says that evening when they're sitting on the couch, close but not _close_. “Can we talk?”

He can feel Magnus go still against his shoulder, a sense of wariness creeping over him. It's this. The traces of what stood between them are still there. One word is enough to reveal them.

“I don't think there's any need,” Magnus replies in a placid tone.

“Magnus...”

Before he can put together a smooth yet persistent argument that there is every need, Magnus sighs. Alec can feel his gaze grazing his cheek. “You sided with the Shadowhunters and I sided with the Seelie Queen.” Magnus gives a huff. “We both made mistakes. Doesn't that make us even, in a sense?”

Alec blinks. If there's one thing he learned from Magnus it's that two wrongs don't make a right. For Magnus to phrase it that way.. Magnus has sometimes been reluctant to discuss conflicts but this is something else entirely.

He gathers his thoughts for a moment, then carefully reaches for Magnus's hand and finally meets his eyes. He can see how Magnus's jaw is subtly clenched, how his gaze flickers in avoidance. Alec is lost for words but the only way out is through.

“I.....”

Fear makes his throat close up. They have reached a truce of sorts. Poking at the issue when it has started to settle risks unbalancing that again. What if his reasons for acting aren't good enough in Magnus's eyes? What if Magnus finds he can't accept Alec's way of handling his responsibilities?

But then, what if they never go back to fully trusting each other with themselves? What if this feeling of having to double-check everything he says lest it ruins them never goes away?

It's not an option. Alec steels himself. “I don't think they were mistakes.”

Magnus looks at him with an expression that Alec can't put into words. His eyes are wide and very dark. His lips grow thin and Alec can pinpoint the moment Magnus resigns himself to having this conversation in the way his face hardens. “You betrayed the Downworld and I betrayed you. Please explain to me how those were not mistakes.”

The breath knocks out of Alec at the sharpness of his voice. He swallows drily and despite his nerves curling ever stronger in his stomach he feels with clarity that talking this out was the right choice.

“You didn't betray me.” _And I didn't betray the Downworld_ , he wants to add but doesn't dare. He knows he didn't intend to, and saving as many Downworlder lives as possible was his main objective when making that decision. But it's apparent that for now Magnus disagrees and Alec doesn't want to anger him by sounding presumptuous. In a conversation like this emotions are the enemy.

Magnus scoffs. “Do I need to remind you that the Seelie Queen enabled Valentine to reach Lake Lyn? If he had succeeded he would have wiped out every Downworlder not under the Queen's protection and every Shadowhunter not loyal to his cause. That includes you, Alexander.”

“You're not responsible for the Seelie Queen's actions--”

“I _knew_ this could happen,” Magnus interrupts him. “I've known the Seelie Queen for long enough by now. Do you honestly believe I was surprised by what she did?”

His eyes spark with a restlessness that is not quite rage and not quite isn't. He's squeezing Alec's fingers so tightly that it's verging on painful.

“You had to ensure the survival of the Warlocks under your care,” Alec says slowly. “Your choice was nothing personal.”

Magnus stares at him as if he's lost his mind.

~ ~ ~

Magnus stares at him as if he's lost his mind.

Nothing personal? Nothing _personal?!_ Magnus would have been in league with the one who allowed Valentine to succeed and kill Alec and his entire family. It doesn't get much more personal than that.

“You can't be serious,” he whispers but Alec holds his gaze, serenely and firm. It's apparent that he really believes that.

“The Seelie Queen could offer protection that the Clave could not,” Alec says. “In a matter of survival it's as simple as that. You had to think of your people. It was a legitimate decision.”

“She wanted to wage war against the Clave,” Magnus argues.

Alec gives a shrugs as if that's nothing. “It's not like the Clave didn't deserve it.” A frown creeps onto his face. “With the way the Clave treats the Downworld you don't owe them your cooperation. We both know this.”

Magnus blinks, mind reeling. “I don't understand.” He shakes his head. “You didn't tell me about the Soul Sword to prevent a rebellion. You said that yourself. And now you claim that a rebellion is what the Clave deserves?” Alec wouldn't lie to his face like that. He's always been the type to admit his mistakes up-front. Warping his opinion to placate is not a thing he does. It doesn't add up.

“That's true,” Alec replies and unease drops into Magnus's gut. “But I only did that because the timing was disastrous, not because I think the Downworlders mustn't revolt against the Clave. With everything the Clave has done you have every right to it. But Valentine was on the loose. If the Clave and the Downworld turned against each other he'd be the only one who benefitted from that. Stopping Valentine was paramount.”

A twisting mess of feelings surges in Magnus, one he is not sure he can untangle at the moment. Alec still could have told _him_. He wants to ask why he didn't but at the same time he's not sure he could take whatever answer Alec has in store for him, not right now.

“But you were angry. At the Downworlder cabinet meeting,” he retorts instead, a slight deflection. “I know you were.”

For the first time since they started this conversation Alec breaks eye contact. Magnus recognizes shame in the way his shoulders curl inward. “Yes. I was hurt that you didn't talk to me. That you wouldn't even look at me.” He lets out a long breath. “I let my personal feelings get the better of me. And for that I am sorry. But I never held your decision against you.” He meets Magnus's eyes once more and Magnus can't doubt the sincerity of him.

He watches Alec silently. _I let my personal feelings get the better of me and for that I am sorry._

It's an apology Magnus owes Alec as well, a sentiment that has been guiltily lingering on his mind from the moment he decided to side with the Seelie Queen. Alec may assume that he only made this choice based on facts, on a clinical calculation of what would grant the Warlocks of Brooklyn the best chances of survival. But he'd be wrong.

Magnus knows himself and he made it a rule not to lie to himself. When his emotions run high he's never been able to just switch them off. No matter how much he focused on reason his feelings were always there and they guided his decision as well. A part of him sided with the Seelie Queen to hurt Alec back and that is something he has to live with. They both will, as soon as Magnus gathers the courage to tell Alec this. If he hadn't been so hurt, so angry, so betrayed, who knows what he would have done. He might have still sided with the Seelie Queen but he might have not.

It wouldn't have changed anything, he thinks – he still would have raised the anti portal wards with Catarina and the Seelie Queen still would have helped Valentine get to Lake Lyn – but it still matters. Intention has always mattered to him. And it does to Alec, too.

Alec squeezes his fingers, unheeding of Magnus's inner turmoil. “Please let me explain why I didn't tell you about the Soul Sword. Even if you don't agree with my reasons and.. and can't forgive me for it, I need you to know.”

Magnus thinks about how much he tends to avoid discussions of this nature for fear of what they might unearth, how much ignorance is bliss sometimes, and how he's rarely let Alec get away with it when he wanted to sweep a conflict of theirs under the rug. Looking at Alec, at the vulnerability and determination mingling in his hazel eyes he feels nothing but fierce gratitude that Alec didn't let him get away with silence this time. As harrowing as it might become to talk this out it will ultimately be worth it.

He squeezes Alec's fingers back. “Of course.”

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then basically Alec dissects his reasoning as presented in the previous part of this series. Since repeating those 2k one-to-one would be kinda pointless you can go back and read it there if you're interested.


End file.
